#50 Blog. When Caring Too Much Stops You From Giving Feedback as a Manager
- Hana Chen Zacay
- Aug 12
- 3 min read
You care about your employee.
You want them to succeed, feel valued, and know you appreciate their efforts.
You also want to protect them from embarrassment, discomfort, or hurt feelings.
So, when you notice something one could improve, you hesitate.
“What if it comes out wrong?”
“What if I discourage him and hurt his motivation?”
"What if it damages our relationship?”
You decide to let it go.
After all, it’s not a big deal, right?
“The overall performance is great, it’s just”….
this tiny thing… except it’s affecting the whole team.
Here’s the problem: avoiding feedback to protect someone in the moment often harms them- and the team- in the long run.
I’ve seen it happen too many times. The personal and organizational cost is simply too high to ignore! So I’m here to tell you the hard truth.
The Real Costs of Avoiding Feedback
When you skip giving feedback because you care, three things happen:
Performance issues stay (and even can get worse)
Without knowing there’s a problem, your team member can’t fix it. The behavior repeats, deadlines slip, and the gap between expectations and performance grows.
Trust quietly breaks
At first, your team member doesn’t notice. But eventually, they may realize you’ve been holding back. This can lead to questions like, “Why didn’t they tell me sooner?”, “Do they not trust me enough to handle feedback?” or "Was is it all a show?".
Opportunities for growth disappear
Feedback is the mirror that helps people see what they can’t on their own, or what is hidden in their blind spot. When you avoid it, you’re taking away their chance to improve- even if your intention was kindness.
Why Managers Avoid It
If you’re avoiding feedback, it’s often because you probably:
Worry about hurting feelings.
Fear you’ll make a mess with the words.
Want to keep the relationship “comfortable.”
Assume they already know what they need to change (or they will figure it out somehow...)
The truth? Most people don’t know unless you tell them.
And delivered well, feedback is a gift, not a punishment. It’s a growth engine.
A Better Way: Feedback with Care and Clarity
The goal isn’t to choose between honesty and kindness, it’s to combine them.
As Kim Scott wisely explains in Radical Candor, avoiding feedback because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings is called Ruinous Empathy. This happens when you genuinely care about someone personally but fail to challenge them directly. By holding back, you may think you’re protecting them, but you’re depriving them of the insights they need to grow. Over time, this avoidance can hurt not just the individual, but also the team and the organization.
Key aspect to success- Practice, Practice, Practice.
There are so many scenarios you will have to manage throughout your career. Best way to prepare- is to practice, and a lot.
Check on RiseBud for the most practical tool you can find to practice this fundamental challenge, and so many more.

Here’s how you can change it:
Anchor it in care- Start by showing you value them:
“I want to share this because I believe in your potential, and I know you can make this adjustment.”
Be specific and objective- Replace vague comments like “You need to improve communication” with clear, observable details:
“In yesterday’s meeting, you spoke quickly and jumped between points, which made it hard for the team to follow.”
Make it a partnership- Ask for their perspective and ideas for improvement:
“How did you feel the meeting went? What’s one thing you might try differently next time?”
Follow up- Check in later to reinforce progress and keep the feedback loop open.
The Mindset Shift
Instead of thinking, “I don’t want to hurt them,” try reframing to: “I care enough to tell them the truth in a way that helps them grow.”
Your role as a manager isn’t just to keep things running smoothly, it’s to help your people become their best selves. That means sometimes you’ll have to say the hard thing. But when you say it with empathy, clarity, and a genuine desire to help, it can strengthen relationships, not break them.
Comments