#45 Blog. Top 5 Emotional Pitfalls (and a True Story) at Your First 90 Days as a New Manager

“I thought they’d be happy for me. But now, everything I do feels like a test.”

That’s what Melanie said to me in our first coaching session.

She had been part of her team for over three years when she was promoted to team manager. Two of her closest work friends now reported to her. She came into the role energized and prepared, with a clear vision and a strong desire to lead thoughtfully.

But within two weeks, things felt… off.

Her friends became distant. They subtly questioned her authority. One even said, “Oh, you’re the boss now?”, half-joking, half-serious.

Melanie felt pulled in two directions: she wanted to stay connected to her colleagues but also needed to set boundaries and provide direction. The emotional tension was not part of the plan, and it came as a total surprise.

In our coaching sessions, we worked to name what was happening: she was grieving the shift in relationships while trying to step into a new identity and set boundaries where needed.

A breakthrough came when Melanie realized she was no longer climbing the wall alongside her teammates- she was now anchoring the rope, helping others climb. That shift from doing to leading was her aha moment.

Why This Matters

The first 90 days as a manager are packed with practical decisions. We talk a lot about strategy, vision, and goals, often asking: Are we managing people or tasks?

But what truly challenges new managers are the quiet, emotional struggles no one warns them about: Self-doubt. Shifting identity. Strained relationships.

It’s not just a new role; it’s a personal transition. And that part deserves just as much attention.

After working with many new managers, I’ve identified the Top five Emotional Pitfalls they often face—and practical tools to navigate them with confidence:

1. Self-Doubt (aka Imposter Syndrome)

You sit in your first leadership meeting and think, “Why me? They’ll probably realize soon I’m not the right fit.” It’s normal. The pressure to prove you belong can be paralyzing.

🔹 What to do?

• Manage with curiosity, not certainty. Ask questions. You don’t know everything.

• Think and say: “Here’s what I’m seeing- what’s your take?”

• Remember: trust is built through inclusion, not perfection. You are not perfect either.

  
  

2. Trying to Prove Yourself Too Fast

Over-functioning is common. New managers take on too much, say YES too quickly, and forget they have a team they can and need to work with and delegate to.

🔹 What to do?

• Pause before jumping in.

• Ask yourself: “Is this mine to own- or mine to delegate?”

• Focus on growth, not control. Take time early on to understand your team’s strengths, interests, and potential.

  
  

3. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

It feels safer to avoid conflict in the early days. But silence breeds resentment. And if you were promoted like Melanie, avoiding tough conversations with former colleagues won’t get you to a safe zone.

🔹What to do?

• Use early 1:1s to co-create expectations.

• Frame feedback as support, not criticism.

• Practice: “I care about your success, and here’s something I’ve noticed…”

  
  

4. Over-Identifying with the Role

You want to do well, so you give it everything- including your nights, weekends, and sense of self.

🔹 What to do?

• Schedule time to recharge and reflect.

• Protect your personal identity- set boundaries with your manager, your team, and yourself. You are more than your job title.

  
  

5. Navigating the Peer-to-Manager Shift

As Melanie’s story shows, becoming the manager of former peers is deeply emotional. There’s no shortcut- but there is a way forward.

🔹 What to do?

• Name the shift with honesty, first with yourself.

• Don’t try to “win them over”- lead with clarity and care.

• Allow relationships to evolve, not dissolve.

  
  

To Conclude

The first 90 days aren’t just a leadership trial period- they’re an identity shift. You’re not just managing tasks or people (hint, it both), you’re also managing yourself and the emotional wake that leadership creates.

The good news? You don’t have to do it alone.

Are you a first-time manager (or mentoring one)?

What emotional pitfalls have you encountered- and how did you navigate them?

Let’s continue the conversation