I've often spoken about feedback because I truly believe it’s the growth engine of any organization. How we deliver feedback plays a crucial role in driving meaningful change in behavior. But the real challenge- and the most courageous step- is recognizing the need to give feedback and taking action to make it happen.
In my work with managers, I’ve noticed a recurring pattern that inspired me to develop the Feedback Fear Cycle—a psychological loop that can make the process of giving feedback feel overwhelming, even paralyzing. Introducing this framework to the managers I coach often sparks incredible “Aha!” moments, helping them reframe their approach and move forward with confidence.
Here’s how this cycle typically works:
1. The Trigger: You notice an issue, whether it’s a performance gap or behavior problem, but hesitate to address it. Doubts creep in: “Is it my place to say this?” or “What if they take it personally?”
Example: A manager observes a team member arriving late repeatedly but hesitates to address it, worried it might damage their relationship.
2. Fear Sets In: As you overthink the potential outcomes, a spiral of "What-Ifs" triggers fear of conflict or rejection: “What if they get defensive?” or “What if I don’t say it right and damage the relationship?” This often leads to inaction & avoidance.
Example: Instead of addressing the tardiness directly, the manager sends a vague email to the entire team about working hours, hoping the behavior will improve on its own.
3. Avoidance: Delaying the conversation leads to resentment or unresolved issues. You justify the delay with thoughts like, “It’s not urgent,” or “I’ll bring it up later.” Meanwhile, the issue persists, causing frustration and potentially setting a poor example for the team. Example: The employee continues to arrive late, causing frustration among colleagues, who begin to think, “If they’re late, why shouldn’t I be?”
4. Feedback Explosion or Breakdown: When feedback is finally delivered, it’s often done poorly—either in an emotionally charged moment or with passive-aggressive remarks. Alternatively, it’s avoided altogether, leaving the problem unresolved. Example: The manager erupts during a team meeting, angrily saying, “You’re always late to work!” This response is emotionally charged and damages trust and morale within the team.
5. The Aftermath: Whether you feel regret (“I should have handled that better”) or relief (“At least I said something”), the emotional outcome can discourage you from approaching feedback effectively in the future.
Example: The manager feels relieved after venting their frustration, but later recognizes that the delivery caused unnecessary harm to the team dynamic, leading to regret.
Breaking the Feedback Fear Cycle
Feedback is a powerful tool for driving behavioral change and improving performance, but it’s completely natural to feel hesitant or even intimidated by the process. However, when hesitation and fear become a pattern that leads to avoiding feedback altogether, it turns into a bigger problem that can hinder growth and progress- for both individuals and organizations, especially when you are a manager.
Here’s are my Go-To to overcome those fears and break the cycle:
Acknowledge the Challenge: Feedback can be intimidating for both the giver and the receiver. Recognize you’re not alone in finding it difficult- it’s a common experience.
Shift Your Mindset: Reframe feedback as a collaborative opportunity for growth rather than a confrontation. Even in challenging situations, practice can help you navigate them with confidence. Consider working with a coach or professional to uncover and address the root causes of your fears.
Prepare Effectively: Leverage frameworks like the SBI (Situation, Behavior, Impact) model to make your feedback precise, actionable, and objective.
Normalize Feedback: Create a culture where feedback is frequent and informal. When it’s part of regular interactions, it becomes less intimidating and more constructive.
Start Small: Practice with low-stakes feedback to build your confidence and establish comfort before tackling more critical conversations.
Be a Role Model: Show vulnerability by actively seeking feedback from others. This openness encourages a feedback-positive environment where growth is the goal.
Are you a first-time manager (or mentoring one)?
What challenges have you experienced, and what strategies have worked for you?
Let’s continue the conversation!
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